What is Intergenerational Trauma and do I have it?
In my work with my clients, I often hear stories from Asian American clients that reflect a struggle much deeper than their personal experiences—echoes of pain and silence passed down through generations. This is called intergenerational trauma.
What Is Intergenerational Trauma?
Intergenerational trauma is the passing down of trauma and trauma responses from one generation to the next. It’s like an emotional and psychological inheritance, where patterns of fear, shame, or survival become deeply embedded within a family. It’s not just about individual experiences but a collective history that includes colonization, war, forced migration, and systemic racism. Some examples are the Vietnamese boat people who escaped their country through dangerous means, and the Japanese internment where people of Japanese descent were forcefully confined in during WWII.
For many Asian Americans, this trauma often began long before arriving in the United States. Perhaps your parents or grandparents faced poverty, addiction, violence, or systemic injustice. Maybe they were forced to keep their heads down, survive in silence, or prioritize survival over emotional connection. These legacies show up in subtle ways—family dynamics, our values around success, and the unspoken rules about how we show emotions.
How Does It Show Up in Our Lives Today?
If you’re Asian American, you might find yourself feeling disconnected or not fully understood by older family members. Or you might notice how hard it is to shake off the pressure to be perfect, never showing vulnerability or “weakness.” You might even sense an unspoken fear of failure, a need to earn love through achievement, or a deep-seated guilt for wanting to prioritize your own needs.
These patterns aren’t just personality quirks—they’re often coping strategies that your parents and grandparents developed in response to their own trauma and hardship. And while these strategies might have helped them survive, they can weigh heavily on us, the next generation.
The Burden of "Silent Suffering"
Many Asian American families place a high value on perseverance and resilience. While these traits are powerful, they can also become double-edged swords. We may have been taught to “tough it out,” to “keep family matters private,” or to avoid causing trouble by expressing our true feelings. This culture of silent suffering—where pain is kept behind closed doors—prevents genuine healing.
The result? A sense of isolation, of being burdened by emotions we can’t express, or of feeling stuck in roles that were assigned to us without our consent. We might not even recognize our own suffering because we’ve been told that what we feel isn’t “real trauma.”
The stress that we carry in ourselves comes with a cost. You may feel resentment towards your family, burned out at work, and isolated from your friends. You may struggle with having a healthy relationship with food and your body. You may have issues with your immune system and overall physical health.
Why Does Talking About It Matter?
Talking about intergenerational trauma doesn’t mean blaming our parents or disrespecting their sacrifices. It’s about giving ourselves the opportunity to heal. When we start unpacking our families’ histories and stories, we gain context for our own struggles. Understanding where certain patterns come from—like why our parents are so hard on us, or why there’s such a strong focus on success—can help us move from resentment to empathy.
Recognizing these patterns also empowers us to choose how we want to respond. Do we want to continue a legacy of silence and suppression, or do we want to carve out space for our own voice? Do we want to pass down the same fears to our own children, or do we want to be the generation that breaks the cycle?
The Healing Journey: It Starts With Us
Healing intergenerational trauma isn’t about a one-time conversation or cutting off family members. It’s a process of reimagining our relationship with our past. Here’s where you can start:
Listen and Reflect: Ask your parents and grandparents about their lives—not just what they did, but how they felt. What dreams did they have? What were their biggest fears? Sometimes, understanding their stories helps us understand our own pain.
Hold Space for Your Emotions: Allow yourself to grieve what was lost in your family’s history—the love, safety, or freedom that may not have been available. It’s okay to mourn the absence of what your family couldn’t give you.
Set Boundaries and Redefine Success: Honor your parents’ sacrifices, but also honor your own needs. Success doesn’t have to look like the stereotypical high-achieving Asian American image. It can look like resting, finding joy, or saying “no” to things that don’t serve you.
Seek Community Support: Whether it’s a trusted therapist, a support group, or close friends, find spaces where you can share your experiences without judgment. Healing is communal; you don’t have to do it alone.
Choosing to Heal is a Brave Act
Breaking free from intergenerational trauma doesn’t mean cutting ties or rejecting your heritage. It means honoring your ancestors by choosing a path of growth and resilience. It’s about holding onto the parts of our culture that are beautiful and letting go of the patterns that keep us trapped in pain. By facing the trauma, we’re not just healing ourselves—we’re healing generations past and future.
Remember: Healing is a brave act of love. For yourself, for your family, and for the generations yet to come. Take it one step at a time, and know that you’re allowed to rewrite your story.
If you’re on this journey and feel alone, know that there are many of us walking beside you. Healing might not come easily, but it’s absolutely possible. And I’m here to remind you that your pain—and your healing—matters. 🌿